novel excerpt 2.11

“i’m going away.” i blurted, leaning lifeless against the garden wall.

“what do you mean?” he asked, lighting up another cigarette.

“i… there’s some things i need to clear up. i’m leaving the country for a while, few months maybe, maybe longer. i’ve got a friend in the netherlands. you’re the first person i’ve told, so don’t tell anyone yet.” he turned to face me quickly.

“what the fuck? why? don’t do that. why are you doing that?” there was a tone of alarm in his voice.

i bit down on the inside of my left cheek. there’s only one sentence in my brain but i can’t say it. that’ll undo all of my hard work.

i took a long drag and there was a long silence.

he grabbed me by both shoulders and turned my whole body to face him.

“hey, talk to me. why are you doing this?” he looked me in the eyes and i felt naked, exposed. the way i always did when he looked at me.

“it’s… i can’t. it’s complicated.” i could feel a lump rising in my throat.

“tell me.” he didn’t let go of my arms, and he didn’t break my gaze.

“i’m in love with you, you prick. i’ve spent the last two years pushing down these feelings, beating myself up about my thoughts, not being able to get really drunk around you without thinking of doing something i’d hate myself for. you understand me better than anyone else i’ve ever met and i never feel more safe and at home than when i’m with you. you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me and you haven’t even happened to me. you’re happening to someone else. so i need to go. because you two deserve each other, and you both deserve happiness, and a pet and a nice house in the suburbs and eventually a wedding and beautiful babies. and i will not let myself be a spanner in the works.”

his hands dropped from my shoulders and i couldn’t read his expression. we took long drags in tandem.

“wow, okay. that wasn’t what i expected you to say.”

“i can imagine. but it’s fine because i’m going. so as long as you don’t tell anyone, i’ll fuck off and it’s problem solved. you can just carry on as if i’d never said any of this.” i let a tear silently roll down my cheek. he couldn’t see in the darkness of the garden anyway.

“you don’t have to leave because of this you know. it’s not that big a deal, she doesn’t have to know and i can just, forget about it, maybe. i don’t want to be the reason you flee the country.” i threw my fag butt on the ground and stamped on it.

“you can forget about it but i can’t. i wish i could, fuck, i’ve tried! it’s not as easy at that! the person you love loves you back and is yours! you have no idea how lucky you are.” i scoffed.

he shook his head. “please don’t go.”

we looked at each other and my heart finally broke fully. he’ll never be mine and i don’t want him to be. he deserves more than me, more than what i can give to him. she’s got light and enthusiasm and lovely hair. she can bake and dance and drive. all i’ve got is a cavity and a maxed out credit card. and split ends.