a conversation with myself I

I’m sad.

Again?

What? Yes. Is there a limit or something?

Well no, but they’re getting more and more regular.

What are?

Your episodes. The blank-face-wall-staring, the gut wrenching realisations that life is futile and pointless, the scrunched up faces…

Alright that’s enough of that. I’m sad and we need to figure out why and then solve the problem so I can be happy again.

Well it could be any number of things. Did you think about human trafficking again?

No it wasn’t that I don’t think.

What about the dark web? A Serbian Film? The pedophilloic elite? Madeleine Mccan?

No.

Was it how much you hate your job ever since you became aware of the exploitative nature of the capitalist system? And how it relies on the good nature of hard working, often working class people to get emotionally attached to their jobs and their colleagues and therefore work harder and faster for, quite frankly, an embarrassingly low income as the cost of living only gets higher and higher?

No but that one is always there.

You’re not considering the theory that the world is a simulation and nothing is real again are you?

I always am, but funnily enough that helps sometimes. Do you think I’m funny?

You do realise we’re the same person.

Alright then, do you think we’re funny?

No.

What? But that’s our whole… thing. I’m the funny one, I always have been.

Are you funny though, or are you just self deprecating as a defence mechanism due to you being overly paranoid that people don’t like you?

No, I’m funny. I make thought out jokes and have good delivery, and yeah, I take the piss out of myself a lot but that’s because it’s funny!

You’ve just spent a lot of time watching comedians. A lot of ‘your jokes’ aren’t even yours!

It’s called taking inspiration.

It’s called lacking imagination and originality.

Now you’re just being rude.

Actually its self deprecating, remember?

Funny is all I have, on the outside anyway. I make people laugh and make myself look stupid as a way to connect. Im not conventionally attractive so Ive always had to try harder.

Are you unconventionally attractive?

Well, I’m not sure now. My friends and family tell me I’m pretty.

Yeah but they would, wouldn’t they? They’re not gonna call you a munter to your face. What do you, yourself, actually think?

I think I’m the most attractive person I’ve ever seen. My imperfections give me character and depth. I love myself.

But remember the other day, when you caught a reflection of yourself in a shop window? And you had Spongebob jogging bottoms on and your hair was dirty and your face was all red? That’s how the world sees you. They don’t care about your depth.

Well I don’t care what the world thinks of me.

Of course you do, otherwise you wouldn’t go around trying to convince everyone how much you don’t care.

We’re spiralling again, this is unproductive.

Stop asking yourself questions then. Just live.

Fine, let’s do something to make myself feel better.

Do you want a beer?

It’s 10 AM.

So… No?

No.

Masturbate?

No. I’ve lost my entire sex drive recently.

Isn’t that a sign of depression?

It’s a sign of a lack of romantic interests.

Write a poem. About how you feel right now. That always helps.

I’ve written too many poems about being sad. People are probably sick of hearing a white woman moan on Instagram. Besides, if I write something and it ends up not being the best thing I’ve ever seen, that’ll tip me over the edge into a breakdown.

You don’t have to post it. Why can’t you just write something for yourself? Where does this instinctual need to be validated for every single thing you do come from?

We’ve tried answering this before, and we still don’t know.

You got more than enough validation from your parents growing up, they couldn’t have been more supportive.

I know, that’s why I feel guilty.

It’s in the same vein as your unquenchable need to constantly be the most liked person everywhere you go.

Yeah I hate that one.

It’s exhausting. Consistently changing your entire personality- your likes, dislikes, interests, manner of speaking- to fit whoever you’re talking to in order for them to like you as much as you can manage. How do you even know who you really are as an actual person?

I don’t. This isn’t helping, I’m aware of all of these things, you’re just listing off dysfunctional aspects of my personality now as a weird form of mental self harm.

It’s good to be introspective though.

Yeah I guess. I am very self aware, it’s a good trait to have I think.

To an extent. As long as you don’t use it as a get-out-of-jail-free card to be pretentious and arrogant.

I’m not pretentious or arrogant, I’m very down to earth.

Not a very self aware thing to say.

Alright fine. Im an uncreative, unmotivated pretentious not-artist in a job I can’t stand who will never find love. Happy now?

Ah, there it is.

Will the thoughts stop if I go back to sleep?

Possibly. Not if you go into sleep paralysis again though.

It’s a risk I’m willing to take.