at night 11.10

meditation for suicidal thoughts tense jaw longing for more something else anything. begging my own brain to stop to stop the thoughts. it scares me. how they appear out of nowhere, when i think i’m okay, when i think i’m nowhere near the cliff edge i fall. silently screaming until thud my body hits the … Continue reading at night 11.10 →

excerpt from my diary 4.10

i feel tired today. it’s cold out and i think of the insects. i also think of fixing a drink, but i’m too tired to move. the latest discovery of my insides is that my biggest fear is feeling nothing at all. when i’m sad, i wallow in it. when i’m happy, i cling to … Continue reading excerpt from my diary 4.10 →

i like that you can see it 30.9

i like him. i like his eyes. i like the way he looks up at me with his head hung low, like he’s not worthy. he is. i like his hands. his long arms. how tiny his wrists are. i like how quietly he laughs compared to my screeching. i like how he feels obligated … Continue reading i like that you can see it 30.9 →

Excerpt from my diary 12.8

In the adjustment period of realising I'm a bad person. I'm not ready to change yet. I think about suicide a lot. I wouldn't, because of my parents. but this world is too overwhelming, sometimes. In good and bad ways. And all I want to do is make it stop. I imagine myself sat on … Continue reading Excerpt from my diary 12.8 →

Untitled 8.6

why do you look at me like that? why do you step closer each time something is revealed about me, as if you’re intrigued? don’t be. there’s nothing to wonder, nothing to uncover or discover about me. does it disappoint you? i’m not a thing that needs saving needs grabbing by the collar and pulled … Continue reading Untitled 8.6 →

cheat 5.8

there comes a time when you have to admit defeat. this time came to me in the form of you, sat opposite me bathed in orange, getting slowly and carefully drunk on expensive cocktails. the hours melted away idly as we danced from conversation topic to conversation topic. i found out you can recite the … Continue reading cheat 5.8 →

An excerpt from my diary 16.9

Once again, another morning where I wake up in a hotel room with no recollection of how I got there. Once again, I stumble over to the double glazed window, pulling the curtain aside, squinting out onto a dreary blanket of grey; grey sky, pavements, tower blocks. My mouth is dry and my head is … Continue reading An excerpt from my diary 16.9 →

Swallow 11.9

Look me in the eye and swallow the sword. Do not blink. Do not choke up. Take it, all in one. Feel the sides of the blade hold your throat open like a tent. I think about death a lot for someone who does not want to die. At least, not yet. I picture myself … Continue reading Swallow 11.9 →

27.8

the temptation to stay here and stagnate is overwhelming sometimes. every day i lose a little bit of my willingness to try. to try and make something of my life. drink my life away in the fox, moulding to the shape of an old leather chair. become somebody’s wife and drink half pints, learn how … Continue reading 27.8 →

THE FUNERAL

i drove my fagbutt into the gravel outside the church and held my breath as i entered. sliding into a pue at the very back, i wondered if i’d made a mistake. i listened to the priest talk about him like he knew him. as he said the words ‘kind man’ i looked over at … Continue reading THE FUNERAL →